What’s the difference?

Last year, I took part in a 6-month personal growth program called Work of Men, led by Owen Williams and Sean Kearns.

Both are masters of their craft.

I joined the course because I knew the life I wanted required me to perform beyond my current capabilities.

It was a wise decision, not just for the mindset shifts that led to behavioral changes, but also for the amazing people I met.

One evening in the series that happened to have fallen on Halloween, and a participant shared his struggle with focus.

Despite being quite successful, he described how his mind was always racing, how he had countless unfinished projects, and how he couldn't concentrate.

As he shared this over Zoom, kids kept ringing his doorbell for trick-or-treat.

And he kept answering!

He had set up his computer near the door so he could do both.

A five-minute sharing took half an hour, with him constantly pausing to get the door.

We watched, observing, waiting for him to realize the irony. But he didn’t.

He kept apologizing and continued his share.

All sessions were recorded and later he was able to rewatch the session and see for himself how he was being.

I had to say something.

So, gently — or so I thought — I pointed out how the very issue he was trying to overcome was playing out in real-time.

He felt bad, thinking I was complaining about him wasting our time.

Clearly, my message didn't come across as intended.

He dropped into shame, which is so easy to do and keeps us stuck.

The following week, he recalled the incident and apologized again. So, I had to clarify my intention:

“Dude, I believe in growing through awareness.

When I pointed it out, my aim wasn't to make you feel bad.

I wanted you to see the irony of the moment and the opportunity it presented to understand your behavior.

The challenge you were trying to overcome was manifesting as you spoke.

I thought that was a golden opportunity for you to see it, break it down, and get to the bottom of it. That’s what I was hoping for.”

His demeanor changed.

He understood I was trying to help him see a blind spot.

Owen — who is one of those people with unfair wisdom — commended me, saying:

“Enrique, I want to acknowledge you for demonstrating the difference between calling someone out and calling them forward.”

I felt proud, like a student who just nailed a tricky exam question, but I also understood the distinction.

When you call someone out, whether you realize it or not, the goal is to make them feel bad or reprimanded so they will change their behaviour.

But, when you call them forward, you highlight the opportunity for growth.

You support people to see their blind spots in a way that encourages them to overcome them.

This inspires rather than scolds.

This experience made me reflect on times in the past when I called people out instead of forward and how damaging that can be.

Since then, I strive to remember this difference, especially when I'm feeling annoyed or self-righteous.

And if I can't call them forward in the moment, I often choose to stay silent until such time as I can make the offer.

I don’t always succeed.

There are a few people I have to watch myself around because all I seem to want is for them to see their flaws…and I’m working on it.

In any case, my invitation is to call others forward.

Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.

#OnGoesTheGrowth